Lions and Tigers and Bears ... Oh My

Lions ...

Bears ...

What are you afraid of? I am afraid of poverty (it's not as glamourous as it seems), of illness (it's not as noble as advertised), but most especially, of losing my kids.

I work hard at trying not to trivialize Francis' fears, although I do sometimes find them cute or funny. I remember how REAL my fears as a child were, and how my mom would try to reassure me by dismissing them, resulting in my feeling more alone and small.

Here is a partial list of Francis' fears:
--Monsters (lurking everywhere but especially in his room at bedtime);
--Ghosts (Hallowe'en is still very scary);
--Dogs (Francis is very afraid of dogs after being attacked by two unleased "friendly" golden retreivers);
--Strangers (this is OK with me);
--Heights (also OK with me);
--"Scary" videos (the seal eating the penguin in "The March of the Penguins" completely freaked him out);
--Bees;
... there's probably more.

This is what Stella is afraid of ... the deadly purple elephant! If you squeeze him, he says, "Let's go to the zoo! There's lots to see and do! Lions, tigers, elephants and bears! And even a monkey with a banana to share!". For some reason Stella is inconsolable after this speech. Oh, and being away from Mama.

What are you afraid of?

Diaster Averted

I am totally and completely addicted to Catherine Newman's blog Bringing Up Ben & Birdy. Her wry humor and naked honesty about the twins of love and frustration of raising children grounds me. She is my crack cocaine, my PMS chocolate, my beacon during my 3AM anxiety attacks. Her blog entries are officially posted on Mondays, but I start stalking the website on Wednesdays in the hope that it will be posted early. (Yes, I had trouble saving my Hallowe'en and Easter candy, too). She also has a book, Waiting for Birdy: A Year of Frantic Tedium, Neurotic Angst, and the Wild Magic of Growing a Family, which of course I sat up until the wee hours one night and read in one sitting (that is, after I had ripped it from the bewildered mailperson's hands).

So, anyway, when I learned that the Ben& Birdy blog was being cancelled, I fell to the floor in a writhing mess, screaming, NOOOOOOOO. (The Mommy equivalent of waking up and finding all the Thomas trains gone). But, miraculously, I found out that the blog was being continued on the new Wondertime magazine website as Dalai Mama. Wondertime magazine is a bit like RealSimple for parents (read, mothers). A magazine about "simplicity" filled with advertisements for stuff. And really, I have more than enough stuff -- what I need is more sanity. More patience. A listening ear. Which is why I love Brain, Child magazine (thanks, Michelle!). It speaks the truth to me more than an article on the 10 best ways to whatever (fill in the blank here -- discipline, feed, outfit) does.

This is My Brain ...

We got back the results of Stella's MRI. Unfortunately, I can't post pictures here (the neurologist showed them to me and it was kinda neat) but you can see how MRI scans of ACC differs from a brain with an intact CC here.

The bad news is that, yes, indeed, Stella does have ACC (Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum). I thought that this might be the case since the prenatal MRI scans were quite clear. However, I was hoping that she might have a partial or thin CC (dysgenesis).

The good news is that her ACC appears to be isolated with no other associated defects. Neurology was worried about Septo Optic Dysplasia in particular since her vision has taken so long to mature. (The main visual fibres cross midline in the back of the brain). No cysts, and other parts of her brain appear to have developed normally.

People often ask me what implications ACC will have for Stella. It's hard to know since ACC tends to manifest itself differently in each person, and outcomes depend on what else (if anything) is "wrong". You can learn more about typical characteristics of ACC here.

It is very important -- essential, really -- to accept her for what she is, my precious, precious gift. Did I mention that she is smiling now? Oh, it is glorious, in the true sense of the word, and makes my heart sing when she smiles at me. I will try to capture it on film to post it.

God of Small Things

Here are some things that give me pleasure:

The way small children enjoy their bodies (here Francis is picking raspberries in his birthday suit ... wearing his frog boots)

Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Here we have The Machine in all it's glory in the corner of the kitchen that is the Coffee Shrine).

Baby cheeks. Baby chub. Baby dimples. So delicious!

Children's smiles (when do we become so self-conscious of smiling?)

Ice cream ... mmmmmm. Even soy ice-cream, on a hot summer day. Fat and sugar -- it's a Good Thing.

The way Dan plays with the kids. This gentle side to him warms my heart.


My House. Mine! My nest, my refuge, my MarthaStewardLiving ongoing experiment.

Oh, there's more .... Francis dancing. Driving fast. Really really good french fries. It is the accumulation of all this small things that make a life, no?